These three were part of a TV, billboard and radio pitch that won the business, but never got made. Someday I’ll do them up on GarageBand.

‘Bring the mess here’

Male VO: Ah, the joys of hosting a children’s birthday party…

Kid: That’s mine! Give it! Mo-om!

VO: The fun-filled games.

Adult: Rebecca! Timmy is not a donkey. Stop pinning that tail on him.

VO: And the post-party clean-up. (SFX: Sounds of garbage trucks beeping, backing up, compressing trash, etc.)

If you’d rather skip it, Bingemans Big Splash says: Bring it here. We have our own built-in catering service, plus three million square feet of nonstop waterpark fun. The kids go wild – we clean up the mess. To book, visit Bingemans.com.

Dad: Honey, what’s that floating in our kiddy pool?

‘Pimple’

12-year old girl: Mom, I’ve got a zit! On my nose!

Sarcastic mom: Well, call the police!

Girl: No seriously, mom, my summer is, like, totally ruined.

VO: Bingemans Big Splash comes to the rescue with four clever ways to keep you and your teenagers from losing it due to summer boredom. Choose from day camp, sports camp or golf camp. Or get the kids a Big Splash summer pass. Bookings and info at Bingemans.com.

Girl: But mom, I’m gonna need, like, plastic surgery!

‘SFX Guy’

Male VO: As a service to listeners who, for whatever excuse, can’t make it to Bingemans Big Splash today, we present the next best thing — The Bingemans Big Splash Sound Experience.

(VO guy makes following sounds with his mouth, and poorly.)

VO: First, the big bucket that gets everyone really wet: Look out! Wooosh!

VO: And of course, the wave pool: Rooooooaaaaaaaar!

VO: Finally, we present the Jumpai: Boing, boing, boing.

VO: Now, wasn’t that fun and refreshing? No? Well, that just proves there’s no substitute for the real thing. Bingemans Big Splash. Be there or be bored. Tickets at the gates or at Bingemans.com.

VO mumbling: Lemme try that again. Woo-ooosh!